Suppressed emotions

I've realised the weight of everything that I feel with regards to Mum weighs me down that I sometimes struggle to breathe. Sometimes I take long sighs that I feel physically sick. My walks make me realise how much I've hurting. I've never let myself heal or accept that she gone. With both hands I clinch onto her begging pleading if I can go where she is...for 8 years  I've suppressed this pain and damaged my thinking. Taken me 8 years to come to this realisation. That's a win! I've kidder myself living in a deluded world that I was ok cos I got accustomed to the generic answer yes I'm ok when inside I was dying tear by tear I feel burnt out....when u asked me what are u not letting come to ur lips its this reality. Reality of being strong and holding it together and pretending I'm ok. It's ok not be ok