Negativity

I started off writing a post last night, all negative feelings but the web page crashed. I think it was too much negativity! Maharaj did not want me to share this negativity. This morning that negativity has changed into the most positive energy. I cannot thank Maharaj enough.

Last night I wrote:

Feel so far
Hate myself
Feel so empty
Feel so low

Heart feels hollow
Not feeding my soul?
Feel frustrated
Feel so low

The headache pounds
Anguish builds up inside me
I ask for your grace
But feel so far from you

Last night I cried. I cried becuase I couldn't understand myself. I couldn't understand why Maharaj was putting me through all these emotions...I was so upset, down and depressed...but I couldn't explain it to myself, let alone anyone else. I thought I will talk to Maharaj...This was yesterdays Hukamnama on Ang 659:

RAAG SORAT’H, THE WORD OF DEVOTEE BHEEKHAN JEE,
ONE UNIVERSAL CREATOR GOD. BY THE GRACE OF THE TRUE GURU:

Tears well up in my eyes, my body has become weak, and my hair has become milky-white. My throat is tight, and I cannot utter even one word; what can I do now? I am a mere mortal. || 1 ||

Last night laying there...I couldn't go to sleep. I felt this feeling. I didn't know why I was crying or what I was feeling.

O Lord, my King, Gardener of the world-garden, be my Physician, and save me, Your Saint. || 1 || Pause ||
The only prayer I have. The only request I make, Waheguru.

My head aches, my body is burning, and my heart is filled with anguish. Such is the disease that has struck me; there is no medicine to cure it. || 2 ||




The weird thing was I had this pounding headache. I felt so much gusa inside me. When I was asked if I was okay, I had to fight the tears back...and yea as Guru Ji said there was no cure for it...

The Name of the Lord, the ambrosial, immaculate water, is the best medicine in the world. By Guru’s Grace, says servant Bheekhan, I have found the Door of Salvation. || 3 || 1 ||
I don't think I have found this door. I am experiencing so much but this door seems so far.

Yesterday I was proper lazy though. I didn't do Japji Sahib or Rehraas. I just "listened". Maybe that's why I felt so far from Maharaj?

Check out today's Hukamnama:

“Ham paapee tum paap khandan neeko thaakur daysaa. Rahaa-o.”

We are sinners (“paapee”), the doers of misdeeds. If we are sinners then you, Guru Ji, are “Tum paap khandan”, where “paap” means sin and “khandan” means the destroyer. Guru Ji you are the destroyer of sins. Its like Guru Ji is saying if we are the negative side of the magnet, you are the positive side. Oh God, if we are the doer of sins, you are the destroyer of sins. “Neeko thaakur daysaa” where “neeko” means beautiful, “thaakur” means the Lord and “daysaa” means abode, the place where the Lord abides. That place is beautiful where God abides. “Rahaa-o” Guru Ji says pause and think about this.

Just last night I was feeling the negativity and today Maharaj has answered all my questions...I thank you again and again!

Guru Ji later on in the Hukam goes onto say...

“Tum karahu bhalaa ham bhalo na jaanah tum sadaa sadaa da-i-aalaa.”
Oh God, “tum karahu” means you do. What do you do? “Bhalaa” means good. God whatever you do is good. In this line, Guu Ji is teling us how to live our life. Everything you do is good. “Ham bhalo na jaanah” where “jaanah” means to recognise, “ham” mean we. We don’t recognise it to be good. Whatever you do is perfect, oh perfect Master. But we do not see it to be good. We always say this shouldn’t have happened this way, that shouldn’t have happened that way. But everything you do is perfect. “Tum sadaa sadaa da-i-aalaa.” where “tum” means you, “sadaa sadaa” means forever and ever, “da-i-aalaa” means compassionate, most kind.

The feelings felt last night happened in perfection. To the one who asked if I was okay..it all happened with his will. There is nothing that anyone could do...its just this beautiful relationship with Maharaj...Something I hope to share with you face to face, I promise.

“Tum sukh-daa-ee purakh biDhaatay tum raakho apunay baalaa. ||3||”
“Sukh daa-ee” means the giver of peace. “Purakh” means the primal being and “biDhaatay” means the creator of all destinies. “Tum raakho apunay baalaa” means oh God please “raakho”, please protect “apunay baalaa” your own children. Guru Ji says we are your children, please protect us.

I am your daughter. I beg for your protection. Never to let me waiver from this path. May I always return with your kirpa.