Feeling it

For so long I've pushed you down, pushed you away

Stuffed with food, processed crap

Just to keep you quiet

Just to avoid the argument 

I admit I was wrong

I never sat with you

Or gave you the time you fully deserve

As I tried to hold onto normality

For Mum, the family and I

When I used to run around at Mums

Or keep going with Taran

Do the shop, clean, cook

But never let myself crack

Even at night I wanted to be alone

Sometimes shed a tear 😢 

To protect my innermost fear

I was scared my love

I was petrified

To live a life without

My love 💓 

I sit with you today 

I know you needed Mum 

But i didnt let you stop to feel

To feel that 😢  pain

I'm so sorry to that little girl 

Is that how I would've let my daughter or my friend heal

Or would I have comforted them, been there for them and held them

I hold you today

I make space and time for you

My heart aches to hear from you

All I have today are tears 

In my attempt to honour you

I wont force you, i wont rush you

This will take time

I just want to give you time to heal

To be and feel free 

This sickness I feel in the depths of my stomach is you

Maharaj please forgive me

For not living a life in truth 

Letter to Mum

Since last year I was advised to write

But I somehow dnt know what to say

What to do or who to invite

Im a lot older than when you left

But you live in my each and every breath

Days are long. Its summertime 

I changed my covers today 

Feel all snug and warm 

Mum how are you? 

Our long convos, our closeness, our connection

Was like no other 

I sometimes think what it be like if you were still here

What gets me by is knowing 

Our soul never dies

That you are free and you fly high

Fairytale

Felt like a fairytale, sitting chilling in the safest embrace
For what we shared, we showed the world the meaning of best mates
Your laugh, your smile is within my heart
But how do I continue being far apart
Never known such a pure soul
Who put her all in whatever she did
Your approach to life was all about the One
Living Sikhi and personification of truth is my Mum

Now it's time to stop the talk and live practically in truth on this Sikhi path
For all of this will perish into dust
It's his name that is a must

It's only a mothers love that truly asks
From the the depths of her soul how you are?
All other relations fulfill a need or ask for something in return
But a mother's Question comes from the heart, a love right now seems so far

I've let a lot of people go or Maharaj has kept my circle really small
For my purpose in life is clear
To be like you Mum whose embrace I wish to fall

9 years feels so surreal
Still remember that day
I'm blessed I was the soul that whispered Gurus Bani by your bed side
Indirectly told you not to be afraid
As I watched tears fall like scene from a sad film is this really happening?
There was nothing I could do as it was your time to go

I will never truly come to terms with loosing Mum as I know I will see you again
My heart shattered into millions
The day I lost you but I know I will see you again

Love you Mum more than mere words could ever express x x x