Why I won't make time for me?

Why won't I make time for me?

Fear of coming to the realisation 

That you left me all alone

By myself

Fear that I will have to face without that front

If I carry on, feed the kids, do the chores, sort work, I don't stop

I'm exhausted by the end of the day

So tired I exhaust myself into bed

That before my head hits the pillow I'm gone

Don't give myself time to reflect or realise

You went without saying bye

I didn't want you to go

I needed you Mum

More then you could ever know

I yearn to see you again 

But you live on in my head

I talk to you all the time

But if I stop, if I make time for me

I'll realise and see you left me here 

For 18months I lived with a front

A strong front to hold it together 

To keep some sort of normality

If I take the time to stop 

I fear I'll end up in a depressed state moreso then I already am

This front is easy to keep busy to say I'm ok

I'm not ok

I'm hurting 

I have never loved anyone like I love you Mum 

Your love carries me today 

Your love knows no bounds 

This separation between us has killed me

When you left me here all alone

I love you Mum, always have and always will. Can't wait to see you again. . .

Day of birth

We are born

We die

This is a sure ritual of life

To celebrate without you feels pointless 

Birth is when a baby is born 

The Mother is also re born as she holds her baby close

Promising to be by its side

I really needed you here

You were the reason I smiled

Just going through motions

Doesn't fulfill 

I'm there in person but my heart went with you the day you departed 

I'm so grateful for family and friends

Wouldn't I truly smile

If I just saw you one last time?

Just one hug, one kiss and one more conversation? 

My soul cries for that peace and contentment

It was in your lap, in your embrace

I had my world and in an instant

It was gone

I love you Mum, always have and ways will 

Guide me to be a better Mum a better wife better version of me. . .