Feeling it

For so long I've pushed you down, pushed you away

Stuffed with food, processed crap

Just to keep you quiet

Just to avoid the argument 

I admit I was wrong

I never sat with you

Or gave you the time you fully deserve

As I tried to hold onto normality

For Mum, the family and I

When I used to run around at Mums

Or keep going with Taran

Do the shop, clean, cook

But never let myself crack

Even at night I wanted to be alone

Sometimes shed a tear 😢 

To protect my innermost fear

I was scared my love

I was petrified

To live a life without

My love 💓 

I sit with you today 

I know you needed Mum 

But i didnt let you stop to feel

To feel that 😢  pain

I'm so sorry to that little girl 

Is that how I would've let my daughter or my friend heal

Or would I have comforted them, been there for them and held them

I hold you today

I make space and time for you

My heart aches to hear from you

All I have today are tears 

In my attempt to honour you

I wont force you, i wont rush you

This will take time

I just want to give you time to heal

To be and feel free 

This sickness I feel in the depths of my stomach is you

Maharaj please forgive me

For not living a life in truth 

Letter to Mum

Since last year I was advised to write

But I somehow dnt know what to say

What to do or who to invite

Im a lot older than when you left

But you live in my each and every breath

Days are long. Its summertime 

I changed my covers today 

Feel all snug and warm 

Mum how are you? 

Our long convos, our closeness, our connection

Was like no other 

I sometimes think what it be like if you were still here

What gets me by is knowing 

Our soul never dies

That you are free and you fly high

Fairytale

Felt like a fairytale, sitting chilling in the safest embrace
For what we shared, we showed the world the meaning of best mates
Your laugh, your smile is within my heart
But how do I continue being far apart
Never known such a pure soul
Who put her all in whatever she did
Your approach to life was all about the One
Living Sikhi and personification of truth is my Mum

Now it's time to stop the talk and live practically in truth on this Sikhi path
For all of this will perish into dust
It's his name that is a must

It's only a mothers love that truly asks
From the the depths of her soul how you are?
All other relations fulfill a need or ask for something in return
But a mother's Question comes from the heart, a love right now seems so far

I've let a lot of people go or Maharaj has kept my circle really small
For my purpose in life is clear
To be like you Mum whose embrace I wish to fall

9 years feels so surreal
Still remember that day
I'm blessed I was the soul that whispered Gurus Bani by your bed side
Indirectly told you not to be afraid
As I watched tears fall like scene from a sad film is this really happening?
There was nothing I could do as it was your time to go

I will never truly come to terms with loosing Mum as I know I will see you again
My heart shattered into millions
The day I lost you but I know I will see you again

Love you Mum more than mere words could ever express x x x 

All I was part of has fallen

All that I was part of

Spent many years

Building, laughing, living 

Has gone

Be it no.5, o2, my Mum

All gone 

Maharaj is teaching us

Everything that has been made will go

All we pride ourselves in

All that we hold near

All our emotions, family and friends even foes

Everything will go

Where to find

Where do I start?

Where do I find the words?

Words that cannot convey the weight of emotion

I could cry a river if asked

River in which I immerse, float away, no weight on the water 

Even the water I don't trust

Nothing excites me

I dwell in this forever sadness

Constantly trying to loose weight, or do the right thing

I'm fed up. I'm fed up of life, of feeling like this I just want out 

I want to never awake from my forever sleep

I am wasting this gift that Maharaj gave me

But Maharaj I'm so tired

Tired of keeping up, tired of putting everyone else first, tired of it all

I can't keep up this presence any more

This sharade that I'm ok 

Inside I'm breaking 

I'm broken like my heart which shattered into so many pieces that it's impossible to mend

I've tried, I've tried to get on and ignore

I've even sought help but I'm past help

Where to go, what to do, this life I leave to you...

Overwhelmed with Emotion

I feel so stuck so broken so lost

The back of my neck aches

To signify that which ever direction I turn 

It's painful

I feel like I can achieve so much and really hit some deep sentiments but I'm struggling 

Struggling to find the motivation 

Struggling to just stay afloat of the ever rising ocean 

So how is this overwhelming emotion manifesting? There's a list...

1. Piriformis pain like sciatica

2. Vaginal thrush 

3. Left jaw tooth pain albeit root canal been done

4. Over eating and snacking unnecessarily 

5. Hip tightness 

6. Tight shoulders and neck pain 

7. Lack of motivation for everything 

Where to go where to turn what to do?

I don't know anymore 

The cold has set in and makes me want to crawl in under the covers

Close my eyes

And fall into that eternal sleep 😴 

Mum was here

Last night, around midnight

We were all asleep

TV flockered on

Bellowing out and I will always love you

Whitney Houston

Woke us both up instantly

Felt like it was early morning

Was bright outside 

Heard presence outside my door twice.

Dreamt about sorting the garden grass at Mums house into fake grass

Mum was happy not having to mow or clear weeds

I said I would ring around and get best quote 

She was afraid of what Dad would say 

She pursued it anyway 

Was feeling down yeaterday 

Perhaps that's why she came 

It was her spirtual hug

Her reminder that she does love me

L

Wonder if youngest got the visit too? 🤔