All I was part of has fallen

All that I was part of

Spent many years

Building, laughing, living 

Has gone

Be it no.5, o2, my Mum

All gone 

Maharaj is teaching us

Everything that has been made will go

All we pride ourselves in

All that we hold near

All our emotions, family and friends even foes

Everything will go

Where to find

Where do I start?

Where do I find the words?

Words that cannot convey the weight of emotion

I could cry a river if asked

River in which I immerse, float away, no weight on the water 

Even the water I don't trust

Nothing excites me

I dwell in this forever sadness

Constantly trying to loose weight, or do the right thing

I'm fed up. I'm fed up of life, of feeling like this I just want out 

I want to never awake from my forever sleep

I am wasting this gift that Maharaj gave me

But Maharaj I'm so tired

Tired of keeping up, tired of putting everyone else first, tired of it all

I can't keep up this presence any more

This sharade that I'm ok 

Inside I'm breaking 

I'm broken like my heart which shattered into so many pieces that it's impossible to mend

I've tried, I've tried to get on and ignore

I've even sought help but I'm past help

Where to go, what to do, this life I leave to you...

Overwhelmed with Emotion

I feel so stuck so broken so lost

The back of my neck aches

To signify that which ever direction I turn 

It's painful

I feel like I can achieve so much and really hit some deep sentiments but I'm struggling 

Struggling to find the motivation 

Struggling to just stay afloat of the ever rising ocean 

So how is this overwhelming emotion manifesting? There's a list...

1. Piriformis pain like sciatica

2. Vaginal thrush 

3. Left jaw tooth pain albeit root canal been done

4. Over eating and snacking unnecessarily 

5. Hip tightness 

6. Tight shoulders and neck pain 

7. Lack of motivation for everything 

Where to go where to turn what to do?

I don't know anymore 

The cold has set in and makes me want to crawl in under the covers

Close my eyes

And fall into that eternal sleep 😴 

Mum was here

Last night, around midnight

We were all asleep

TV flockered on

Bellowing out and I will always love you

Whitney Houston

Woke us both up instantly

Felt like it was early morning

Was bright outside 

Heard presence outside my door twice.

Dreamt about sorting the garden grass at Mums house into fake grass

Mum was happy not having to mow or clear weeds

I said I would ring around and get best quote 

She was afraid of what Dad would say 

She pursued it anyway 

Was feeling down yeaterday 

Perhaps that's why she came 

It was her spirtual hug

Her reminder that she does love me

L

Wonder if youngest got the visit too? 🤔 

Piriformis / Sciatica left leg pain

From little that I have read

Niggles, pains, disease is stemmed from emotion 

Suppressed, squashed, unexpressed emotion 

It has to release in some way. It does through pains in the body depending on where we store it.

Feeling helpless and not able to fulfill or spoil Mum

Feel inadequate in all aspects of life

Wife, mother, sister, daughter in law,daughter, career 

Imposter syndrome am I truly enough to meet the expectation of society 

Let the world think what they think

My soul is answerable to Maharaj and Maharaj alone 

I've let the people go, not let associated feelings go

I acknowledge the hurt, the pain and that I miss them as they were once part of me 

But I am.beinf taught everything that was born must depart.

I too will depart but before I do I need to remember the almighty the Sahibzade and Sikhi sacrifice 

What will I give up to make room for amrit? 

Promise

The strength of the Sahibzade 

One to admire and be in awe

So young yet so brave

So connected so pure 

At times I want to quit is the truth 

This facade, this presence that I'm ok

Not real, it's not me

But I'm scared to let it go 

Not sure who or what I am

Am I mere droplet from the ocean of Maharaj

Am I even worthy

Can I do this?

I'm struggling

Struggling to keep up 

Mind races ahead but inside I'm broken

Can't keep up at this pace of life 

I'm in your hands Waheguru 

Always have been

Always will be

I'd happily fall into an eternal sleep 😴 

Day to day struggle

I am struggling now

Pushing loved ones sway

Faking I'm ok

Inside I'm broken. I break every day

Seems emotions weigh down on my body

I'm tired, mentally exhausted 

From putting on this mask

It is all on auto pilot

People don't even notice 

I expect the One to know this is so hard

So I push him away even more

Hate he doesn't know I'm crumbling 

I'm going inside 

I sometimes just want to not carry on

I feel like I've run out of steam

Happily close my eyes to just ly in here forever

Never to get up never to return as I'm struggling so bad 

I get breathless quickly and I carry on thinking I'm ok

I know why I'm breathless

I struggle to keep up

My emotions whirl round 

My body processes it by releasing through breath 

I can no longer take deep breaths as I'm too full of emotion

I can't do deep belly breathing cos everything is stuck

Writing this it's just flowing out 

But I'm tired of whirling round in circles 

I'm so tired 

Just want to slip into an eternal sleep😴