Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Where to find

Where do I start?
Where do I find the words?
Words that cannot convey the weight of emotion
I could cry a river if asked
River in which I immerse, float away, no weight on the water 
Even the water I don't trust
Nothing excites me
I dwell in this forever sadness
Constantly trying to loose weight, or do the right thing
I'm fed up. I'm fed up of life, of feeling like this I just want out 
I want to never awake from my forever sleep
I am wasting this gift that Maharaj gave me
But Maharaj I'm so tired
Tired of keeping up, tired of putting everyone else first, tired of it all

I can't keep up this presence any more
This sharade that I'm ok 
Inside I'm breaking 
I'm broken like my heart which shattered into so many pieces that it's impossible to mend
I've tried, I've tried to get on and ignore
I've even sought help but I'm past help

Where to go, what to do, this life I leave to you...


Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Overwhelmed with Emotion

I feel so stuck so broken so lost
The back of my neck aches
To signify that which ever direction I turn 
It's painful
I feel like I can achieve so much and really hit some deep sentiments but I'm struggling 
Struggling to find the motivation 
Struggling to just stay afloat of the ever rising ocean 

So how is this overwhelming emotion manifesting? There's a list...
1. Piriformis pain like sciatica
2. Vaginal thrush 
3. Left jaw tooth pain albeit root canal been done
4. Over eating and snacking unnecessarily 
5. Hip tightness 
6. Tight shoulders and neck pain 
7. Lack of motivation for everything 
Where to go where to turn what to do?
I don't know anymore 
The cold has set in and makes me want to crawl in under the covers

Close my eyes
And fall into that eternal sleep 😴 

Friday, January 05, 2024

Mum was here

Last night, around midnight
We were all asleep
TV flockered on
Bellowing out and I will always love you
Whitney Houston
Woke us both up instantly
Felt like it was early morning
Was bright outside 
Heard presence outside my door twice.

Dreamt about sorting the garden grass at Mums house into fake grass
Mum was happy not having to mow or clear weeds
I said I would ring around and get best quote 
She was afraid of what Dad would say 
She pursued it anyway 

Was feeling down yeaterday 
Perhaps that's why she came 
It was her spirtual hug
Her reminder that she does love me
L
Wonder if youngest got the visit too? 🤔 

Thursday, December 28, 2023

Piriformis / Sciatica left leg pain

From little that I have read
Niggles, pains, disease is stemmed from emotion 
Suppressed, squashed, unexpressed emotion 
It has to release in some way. It does through pains in the body depending on where we store it.

Feeling helpless and not able to fulfill or spoil Mum
Feel inadequate in all aspects of life
Wife, mother, sister, daughter in law,daughter, career 
Imposter syndrome am I truly enough to meet the expectation of society 

Let the world think what they think
My soul is answerable to Maharaj and Maharaj alone 

I've let the people go, not let associated feelings go
I acknowledge the hurt, the pain and that I miss them as they were once part of me 

But I am.beinf taught everything that was born must depart.
I too will depart but before I do I need to remember the almighty the Sahibzade and Sikhi sacrifice 

What will I give up to make room for amrit? 

Monday, December 25, 2023

Promise

The strength of the Sahibzade 
One to admire and be in awe
So young yet so brave
So connected so pure 
At times I want to quit is the truth 
This facade, this presence that I'm ok
Not real, it's not me
But I'm scared to let it go 

Not sure who or what I am
Am I mere droplet from the ocean of Maharaj
Am I even worthy
Can I do this?
I'm struggling
Struggling to keep up 
Mind races ahead but inside I'm broken
Can't keep up at this pace of life 
I'm in your hands Waheguru 
Always have been
Always will be
I'd happily fall into an eternal sleep 😴 

Sunday, December 17, 2023

Day to day struggle

I am struggling now
Pushing loved ones sway
Faking I'm ok
Inside I'm broken. I break every day

Seems emotions weigh down on my body
I'm tired, mentally exhausted 
From putting on this mask
It is all on auto pilot
People don't even notice 

I expect the One to know this is so hard
So I push him away even more
Hate he doesn't know I'm crumbling 
I'm going inside 

I sometimes just want to not carry on
I feel like I've run out of steam
Happily close my eyes to just ly in here forever
Never to get up never to return as I'm struggling so bad 
I get breathless quickly and I carry on thinking I'm ok
I know why I'm breathless
I struggle to keep up
My emotions whirl round 
My body processes it by releasing through breath 
I can no longer take deep breaths as I'm too full of emotion
I can't do deep belly breathing cos everything is stuck
Writing this it's just flowing out 
But I'm tired of whirling round in circles 

I'm so tired 
Just want to slip into an eternal sleep😴 

Friday, September 30, 2022

Fairytale

Felt like a fairytale, sitting chilling in the safest embrace
For what we shared, we showed the world the meaning of best mates
Your laugh, your smile is within my heart
But how do I continue being far apart
Never known such a pure soul
Who put her all in whatever she did
Your approach to life was all about the One
Living Sikhi and personification of truth is my Mum


Now it's time to stop the talk and live practically in truth on this Sikhi path
For all of this will perish into dust
It's his name that is a must

It's only a mothers love that truly asks
From the the depths of her soul how you are?
All other relations fulfill a need or ask for something in return
But a mother's Question comes from the heart, a love right now seems so far

I've let a lot of people go or Maharaj has kept my circle really small
For my purpose in life is clear
To be like you Mum whose embrace I wish to fall

9 years feels so surreal
Still remember that day
I'm blessed I was the soul that whispered Gurus Bani by your bed side
Indirectly told you not to be afraid
As I watched tears fall like scene from a sad film is this really happening?
There was nothing I could do as it was your time to go

I will never truly come to terms with loosing Mum as I know I will see you again
My heart shattered into millions
The day I lost you but I know I will see you again

Love you Mum more than mere words could ever express x x x